How to love yourself.

I haven't always hated myself. I have vivid memories from my childhood of thinking I was about as cool as it got. Somewhere through the years those feelings slipped away and were replaced by intense feelings of self hatred. Hating myself really became my normal for a lot of years, and became magnified and intensified when my depression hit. For a while I associated all my self hate with my appearance. Then one day a little over a year ago the realization came to me that I could be handed my ideal body, and I would still hate myself just as much. This was a big wake up call for me. It is what lead to me starting to fight for myself.  Today I like myself. It didn't happen overnight and requires daily action to maintain. Like most things worth having in life, self love isn't something you can kick back and wait for (except for Kanye maybe, seems to just flow with him). It takes work, and it takes action.

1. Acceptance. Accepting yourself today, right now, as you are, is the first step. You don't have to like it (yet) but you do have to accept it. Accepting your reality will give you a strong base to build upon. This means throwing out all the "I will be happy when..." and,"I would like myself if..." kind of talk. No conditions, no procrastinating. For me this was hard. I didn't want to see things as they were, because my reality was ugly. Acceptance doesn't mean you are deciding to live this reality forever, it only means that today you can see things as they are, for better or for worse.
2. Stop the negative self talk. Right. Now. There are many tactics to help with this. Old habits die hard, and this is a tough one to break. It takes conscious effort and a lot of practice. Anytime an abusive comment pops in my head now I combat it with something I like about myself. I do the same when I look in the mirror. Then each night I make a little list of the things I liked about myself that day. Sometimes it is a short list of seemingly insignificant things, but it keeps me consciously working on changing my thinking. Searching for the good to silence the bad. 
3. Separate your behavior from your identity. You are going to do things you aren't happy with, and you are going to make mistakes. You can be unhappy, disappointed or upset about your behavior, but that doesn't mean you have to hate yourself. Sure, our actions make up our identity, but we all do the wrong thing sometimes. If you pin all of your feelings about yourself on your behavior, you will be upset with yourself almost constantly. When I lose my patience with my kids that doesn't mean me, my identity, my life, and my whole personality suck. It means I made a mistake. Keeping these separate allows you to identify and correct your behavior without slipping to self obsession over it. Hating yourself over shortcomings, failures, or bad choices will only throw you deeper in the pit and strengthen the cycle of bad behavior and self hate. When you can see them separately, you will be in a place to generate change. It is also key to remember that hating yourself in essentially just a form of self obsession. (You and Kanye are seeming alarmingly similar now right?)
4. Take positive action. Like I said, you can't sit around and wait to love yourself. When you have accepted yourself, decided to stop verbally abusing yourself, and can see yourself separate from your behavior, you will be in a place that fosters self improvement. You will be able to identify the things that need a little work and take action to fix them without ever having to slip into hating yourself over it. You can work on becoming the best version of yourself. The difference is you will be doing it from a positive place. A place where you are already good with yourself, but can see ways to improve. You will have more clarity and self awareness. You will encourage yourself and celebrate successes rather than dwelling on your failures. This in when self love fully blooms and you start to become the person you always wanted to be. The problem is had you waited to love yourself until getting here, you never would have made it. It takes loving yourself to become a person you want to love.  
5. Remember that relapse isn't failure. Self love and self improvement are life long journeys. You are going to relapse into your old ways every now and then possibly for the rest of your life. But the frequency and intensity will lessen with time, and it doesn't have to break you. One bad day doesn't rob you of your progress. Give yourself a pass, allow yourself to be a human. 

I never wanted to have daughters because I felt incapable of teaching them to love themselves when I hated myself so intensely. You might think you are the only one who suffers from your self abuse, but the ugly truth is that everyone around you feels it. Loving yourself releases your mind from thinking about yourself constantly and in turn allows you to learn more, love more, and deepen your relationships with everyone. Loving yourself is how your dreams will come true. I wouldn't go to that level of cheesiness if I didn't believe it SO MUCH. 

xoxo Julie