Maybe it has nothing to do with you.

This morning as I endured a rather fierce attack from my two year old, I started thinking. She has been rough on me lately. She says mean things, refuses to talk to me, and is always quick to choose anyone else over me. She hasn't always been this way, and honestly, it hurts. I know she is two. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but in the moments of the meltdowns and hearing "I not want to talk to you" for the millionth time that day, it feels personal. Naturally I started evaluating my behavior. What had I done to make her act this way, and how could I fix it? Then a memory hit me. High school. My mom and I were in a particularly bad rough patch. She picked me up from some rehearsal or something and I got in the car and immediately assumed jerk mode. She started crying and asked, "What did I to to make you treat me like this? What can I do to fix it?"... I looked at her and said, "Did you ever think that maybe it has nothing to do with you?"

That was the truth. It had nothing to do with her. I was going through a thousand hard things that were tearing apart my teenage self. I didn't know what to do with any of it, so I took it out on her. The problem was with me, she was just the unfortunate recipient of my venting. In all honesty, I acted that way because I knew she was a safe place. I knew she loved me, I knew she would always be there for me. With her I was safe. In hard times, I think it is common to unload wherever you feel most safe. I stayed true to this pattern in my marriage. I started to fall apart individually, so I took it all out on the person who made me feel the safest, my husband.

It isn't right, and it certainly isn't fair to take your own issues out on those who love you most, but it does happen. Often. This is an important thing to understand not just for yourself, but as a parent/spouse/friend of someone suffering. It is important because you must remember at all times, that in most cases, this has nothing to do with you. Obviously there are cases where this is untrue, but more often than not I believe this is the truth.

To be able to really help someone suffering, you have to be able to remove yourself from the situation. If you stay so caught up in the role you play in the issue, you will miss the root of the problem. You will overlook the real cause of their suffering, thus rendering you helpless. My toddler doesn't hate me. She might be tired, or hungry, or stressed, and I am the closest, safest place to unload. I didn't hate my mom in high school, I was scared, stressed, and struggling and she was the closest, safest place to unload. I didn't hate my husband. I hated myself, I was depressed, and I was sick, and he was the closest, safest place to unload. The sooner we can detach ourselves from the situation, the faster we will be able to identify the problem and send aid in the most effective way possible.

When you take on responsibility for others behavior you are harming yourself and them. You are putting a huge pressure on them in saying that they control your happiness in life. They can't let you down. They have to act a certain way. That kind of pressure can crush a person, and with surely destroy a relationship. You also hurt yourself by believing everything is about you. It just isn't. You can't take on the burdens of your loved ones. You can care, but you can't control them. The more attached you are to believing their suffering always has to do with you, the faster your own peace and stability goes down in flames.

Don't take everything so personally. More often than not, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Just keep loving, just keep being that safe place, and remember to keep your own serenity in check before worrying about anyone else's.

xoxo Julie