On depression and marriage.

I like to think there isn’t much I am not willing to talk about, but there is definitely a missing piece to all my depression talk. I talk a lot about how it impacts me and my kids, but rarely do I mention my marriage. Part of this is because my marriage isn’t only mine, so out of respect to my husband I don’t go shouting things he might not like shared. The other part is plain pride. I don’t want to admit to anyone that marriage is a challenge.  This is hilarious to me now. Duh. Marriage is hard. Throw mental illness and a few kids at a marriage and you might as well stand back and watch it burn… unless you are prepared to fight for it. Thankfully, not always to my own credit, we fought.

I don’t plan on getting too personal on this topic because again, it isn’t only mine to share. However in my story I am the villain and my husband is the hero. I owe our success to his unconditional love, dedication, and support of me. Always. I thank God every day for helping him find the patience to wait for me. My husband has carried a heavy weight for most of our marriage, a weight I put on him. Our relationship now is the best it has been and because of that we are able to communicate our struggles of the past and the now. Through my healing and our talking, I have identified what I think are the three main struggles when dealing with depression in a marriage. Rather, the three things that pack the biggest punch.

1.      Isolation. I cut myself off from my own marriage. I kept things inside, and rather than ever really talking about the problem I would run away from it. This is so destructive because it builds up a wall and destroys trust. How can you trust someone who never talks to you openly or honestly? It creates a silent rift that grows bigger and bigger until you can wonder if you are even on the same side anymore. This one is interesting because it is more what you don’t do. It is the lack of openness and communication that can become the silent killer.

2.      Anger. I had two emotions. I was either numb, or I was angry. I was so angry all of the time. I was angry at all sorts of things, many of which were completely irrational but I channeled all that anger toward my husband. He could do nothing right, I made sure of it. Bad day at work? I was mad at him. Rough day with the kids? Took it out on him. I convinced myself it was justified, and he was the root of all things going bad in my life when in reality he was the only thing going right. Have you ever lived with someone who is angry all of the time? Hell. I sucked the joy out of our home, made my husband feel small, while I felt nothing.

3.       Helplessness. If you have read my other writings you have gathered that in my opinion, only you can fight your depression. My husband could have been perfect in every way, it wouldn’t have helped. He never once retaliated when I cut him down, pushed him away and hid from dealing with us. He wanted to help me more than anyone else in the world. He wanted to save me. He wanted to make me happy. He never stopped trying. But the hard truth was, he was completely powerless over my darkness. Watching someone you love suffer so greatly and not being able to do a thing about it is perhaps the biggest weapon depression has in its power. 

When I started to climb out of my hole, the realization of what my husband had endured broke my heart into a million pieces. For the first time in years I am able to feel the love he has been offering all along, and I can even reciprocate it. When I’m at my breaking point now I literally say “I’m so angry and I want to run away but I don’t want to feel this way, help me” and we talk about it. I believe in the coexistence of depression and a happy marriage, but only when you are willing to work. I have learned to apologize sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but I am learning. I have learned to let him be on my side. I have learned to take responsibility for my life and never place angry blame on other people, especially not my husband. I have learned that when I hurt others, it is only because there is no peace inside me. He would have been justified in walking away from me a million times, but I am grateful every second that he stuck with me and now, we get to work together to create the life we want.