depression feeds depression

Do not allow how you feel to dictate how you act. This idea has become one of the most important tools in digging out of my darkness. I don’t mean that you shouldn’t cry if you feel sad, or take the time to identify and process real feelings. I mean, that when you don’t feel like getting out of bed, you have to do it anyway. When you don’t feel like responding to someone in a loving way, you do it anyway. Why is this so vital? Because depression feeds depression.

Depression told me to isolate. Depression told me to hide. Depression told me to eat my feelings. Depression told me to zone out. Depression told me to sleep. Depression made me angry. Depression made me lie to everyone. Depression turned me into the person I never wanted to be. The problem is, I listened, and all of these things only created a deeper plunge into the problem. After I gave depression what it wanted, I listened to it as it told me I was worthless, lazy, hopeless, and lacked self control. Every time I handed control over to the depression, it got stronger. I believed all the lies. I believed that I deserved to hide, sleep, eat, and run away because I was depressed. I was stuck in the endless and viscous cycle that is depression.

I can’t afford to listen to that voice anymore. Depression might always be a part of me, but it will also always be my worst enemy. It doesn’t quit. It is a battle I fight every minute of every day. BUT. It is already getting a little easier most days. Fighting it is starting to come more naturally. Occasionally, the right thing to do and what I feel like doing even line up! This is a miracle. Every time I can recognize that depression is talking to me and I choose to fight it, that is a miracle. The progress is so slow, and can seem unrecognizable if you don’t take the time to identify it. Feeling the progress is the best way to reinforce new behavior. It is hard. It is exhausting. It is not what I want to do, but it is slowly giving me the life I always wanted. That’s a pretty good pay off.

xoxo Julie