Marry a Hero: Depression and Marriage

So much in life comes down to attitude. We can’t always control what happens to us each day, but we can control how we react to it. I am a big believer in self-fulfilling prophecies, especially in marriage. Our spouses can play the villain or the hero, it all depends on which role we assign to them. When you search for the good in people you find it, you magnify it. When you search for the bad, bad is all you find.

It is easy to channel anger and resentment toward our spouse. It just is. I was miserable and angry and someone needed to be responsible for it, so the blame went on my husband. He didn’t make enough money, he didn’t help me enough around the house, he didn’t take interest in my hobbies enough, and he was apparently incapable of closing the cupboards after getting something out. This was my line of thinking and he just kept proving me right. He kept falling into this pattern perfectly making me more and more convinced I was justified in being so angry at him all the time. He was clearly the worst.

Now fast forward a bit. I now have the greatest husband. He works hard and sacrifices a lot to put my comfort a top priority, he is super hands on with the kids and always does his part in his role as a parent, he not only takes interest in what I like but does it so enthusiastically I become convinced they are his interests too, and he is quick to reply “you bet!” anytime I ask for help with anything. He just keeps getting better. Most days I find myself wondering how I managed to marry up so dramatically.

So what changed? Not my husband. His behavior has been consistent. The only thing that has changed is how I see him. I spent years setting him up to fail. Nothing he did would ever be enough, because it had absolutely nothing to do with him. Sure, he fit into the pattern of failure I set out because I forced him into it. No matter how much he did right, I could always find something he did wrong. The other problem, which is lethal to any relationship, was how silent I was. I demanded he read my mind and when he couldn’t I would put another check in the “fail” column.

I don’t mean to paint an overly perfect picture of our reality now. I still get mad. He still doesn’t close cupboards. But it is different. I set him up for success with me now. I communicate my needs, and my frustrations instead of storming away in a fit of rage. I want to see him as the hero. I want him to be great. I want him to succeed. I want us to succeed. That is the pattern I force him into now. Whatever it is you search for in a person, they will prove you right. Search for the good. Good grows on good and your relationship will only keep getting better. Show up, take responsibility for you. How you treat others is a direct reflection on how you feel about yourself, though that is a post for another day.

When you walk in to find the sink still full of dishes, and your husband wrestling with the kids in fits of laughter, you choose which one to focus on. You choose which one to see. The best way to be married to the perfect person is to start seeing them that way. 

xoxo Julie