Sometimes, you need to change.

I am a believer in loving yourself right now, as you are. However I think the key is to use that love to generate self improvement. The truth is, sometimes things are your fault. Sometimes you do need to change something. Sometimes you can do better. The key is to be able to accept this without going into self loathing over it. Don’t waste time beating yourself up, just take action for change.

I was in a mess for five hundred reasons, but none of them were my fault. I blamed all sorts of things for why I was the way I was and never found any peace. I never changed. My revolution started when I took responsibility for my behavior. I could blame depression, how I was raised, pressure to live a certain way, and a million other things for the way I was living, but that blame, even when justified, didn’t generate progress. The fact is it doesn’t always matter why you act the way you do, what matters is that you take responsibility for your behavior, regardless of anything else. How you behave is something no one can control. Your reaction to life is yours.

When I was finally willing to admit it, I realized I had a good life. The problem wasn’t my kids, my husband, my job, or my depression, the problem was me. I was the wrecking ball in my own life. I was so full of self destructive habits and I didn’t even realize it because I was so busy blaming other things and then getting buried alive in my own self-pity over it. I was the only one who could dig myself out.

The weight of realizing all of this really was my fault could have crushed me. But instead of diving deeper into the hole of self hate, I was able to accept it. I was humbled by it. Most of all, I took it easy on myself. I had been doing the very best I could. In that time, in those moments, that was all I had to give. It was messy, it was ugly, and it got dark, but it was my very best. But now my best is better. I know better. I can work harder, I can treat myself better, and I can take action for change.

I have a very long road ahead, and I can hardly make it through an hour without slipping into my old behavior in one way or another, but I never allow that to defeat me. I accept it. I remind myself of my journey, and I resolve to try again. I get discouraged, but I never give into the selfish vacuum of self hate. I might not be where I want just yet, but there is only one way to get closer, and that is to try again. Try again, and again, and again, and slowly, there is progress.

Don’t mistake accepting and loving yourself for justifying destructive habits. Love and acceptance are positive words of action, and should be applied as such.

xoxo Julie

*I realize the vague nature of my references to my behaviors. I kept it simple in the interest of time, but plan of diving into deeper detail in future posts. I have nothing hide, but I do have limited writing time.