An apology to the skinny mom.

I think it is natural that when we have a certain hardship we focus on, it is easy to think anyone without that specific hardship has a perfect life. I have definitely been guilty of this, specifically when it comes to weight and motherhood.

As someone who gained 50 or more pounds with each of my first two pregnancies and watched my body transform into something completely unrecognizable to me, and then kept most of that weight for months/years after giving birth, I had a strong prejudice against what I will call the "skinny mom". With my third pregnancy I underwent a drastic lifestyle change. I ended my pregnancy weighing less than I started it, and “bounced back” quickly postpartum. It changed my whole perspective and has left me feeling terrible for the misconceptions I previously fostered. To my amazement, I had it all wrong.

My own insecurities were powerful enough to convince me that my flawed thinking must be true. I was so threatened by that skinny mom. The one who looks stunning at 40 weeks pregnant and might not even own maternity pants. The one you see a week postpartum looking better than I ever have, even before kids. The one who doesn’t carry a baby in her butt, arms, and chin(s). I was certain this kind of mom did not know my struggle.

Surely she didn’t understand my sacrifice. I had to watch my body be demolished, while she somehow managed to look even better post kids than she had before. I would be happy too, if I looked like her. She definitely didn’t have to give up what I gave up for kids. When she saw her positive pregnancy test she didn’t look ahead with fear of what she would look like a few months from now. She didn’t know the stress of having nothing that fits and having to give up fashion just to find something that would pull up over seemingly swollen thighs. She didn’t have to cry in embarrassment at the sight of the pictures of herself with her newborn. She didn’t have to attach feelings of self loathing to child bearing.

I also wrongly assumed all these women just achieved these things naturally, from good luck rather than by any sort of effort on their part. I know these unicorns do exist, but I have also learned how many women sacrifice a lot for their healthy lifestyle to achieve skinny mom, fit pregnancy status. Whether they work for it or not is beside the point. The point is, I was so wrong.

The skinny mom does know sacrifice. She gives up her body to build a human just as I did. Her body transforms in its own way, and that can be hard regardless of your size. She might deeply struggle with how she looks, even if she is perfection in my eyes. Most of all, she has struggles I don’t even know. Physical, emotional, or circumstantial, it is plain naive to assume these women don’t have their own struggles. Maybe they look different than mine, and maybe they look exactly the same. This is something size can't reveal. We have more in common than we have different when we take the time to look. I don't know how many more times I will need an experience to teach me the concept that you just don't know the battles people are fighting, but I hope I can keep improving on replacing judgement and criticism  with love and empathy.

I was so blinded by ME, I didn’t see you. For that, I sincerely apologize.

xoxo Julie